Michael G. sent in this image (found here via reddit) that shows two different sex toys and asks why the one generally associated with women and female masturbation is viewed as empowering and liberating, while the one usually associated with men is often seen much more negatively, and men who use it are often stigmatized. It’s Not Safe for Work.
Michael points out that the assumptions about the type of man who would use sex toys tell us something about what men should be like:
Obviously, a good straight male either has a girlfriend or has no trouble getting a date that ends in sex. He also has no interest in masturbation (or at least spending money on toys for it), and is clearly not afflicted with the great social plague of virginity.
There are a couple of interesting things going on here. It does spark some interesting discussion of how we think about male and female sexuality differently. For some people, women masturbating is a sign of their liberation–that they can admit they enjoy sex for its own sake. Using sex toys is just more evidence of this. But the only reason we can imagine a man would use a sex toy is that he can’t find a woman to have sex with. It’s assumed to be a fill-in, a sad, lame substitute, used only by men who can’t have “real” sex (i.e., intercourse) with an actual woman.
Of course, as Michael points out, “it would be entirely unfair to presume that the sex-positive attitude towards female masturbation is universal” (it isn’t). And this image can be read multiple ways. Is it an attempt to reduce the stigma on men’s use of sex toys? Or is it an effort to stigmatize female masturbation equally, or an expression of anger at what is perceived to be women’s increased liberation at the expense of men? My initial reading was the former, but there’s no reason to automatically assume that.
You might also look at this post about men and expensive sex dolls.
Thanks, Michael!
UPDATE: Just to clarify, I’m not saying most people are comfortable with female masturbation (or male masturbation, for that matter), or even female sexuality in general. But for some people, it’s become this sign of female liberation and empowerment. Think of “Sex and the City” and such shows–the women’s willingness to masturbate, use sex toys, etc., is supposed to be a sign that they are strong, independent, sexually empowered women. Many people wouldn’t agree, and of course as SarahMC points out, in some states sex toys are illegal. I’m just saying it’s a cultural message that this image is drawing on to make its comparison.
14 Comments
“they can admit they enjoy sex for its own sake.”
On which planet is this true? I want to live there.
Sex toys for women are *illegal* in some U.S. states! Women, in much of the world, grow up being told both that their genitalia is dirty, AND that it’s a beautiful flower that should only be touched by their future husbands.
I know women who won’t use tampons without applicators because it’d require touching themselves “down there” (this brings up another point about the taboo of using anatomically correct, “grown up” words in reference to female genitalia).
If female masturbation is viewed as “empowering” it’s because for most of human history women were not allowed ownership over their own bodies; social permission to masturbate is relatively recent.
I think Sarah’s point is entirely valid and it’s part of what I tried o get at with the quote in the last paragraph. What’s true in the quote you’ve pulled from Gwen is that there’s a subset of cultural perception that relates the idea of a liberated feminist for whom it is true that “they can admit they enjoy sex for its own sake” and that there’s a particular perception where this doesn’t go both way.
I don’t think anyone is going to argue that there’s a universiality to female sexual empowerment across any spectrum of measurement.
I think Sarah is right, but I also think there is something of a point here. The thing is, the stigma regarding sex toys for men isn’t about masturbation, because compared to women there certain’t isn’t one — it’s about the sex toy itself. Like how men are expected to be sex gods with regards to women, they’re also expected to be able to pleasure themselves properly with nothing but their hands. For women, the same isn’t expected, I think for both cultural and biological reasons.
I find it interesting that, on the flipside, if a woman was to have as much sex as the average straight man ’should’, rather than masturbating, then she would probably be seen as a ’slut’ rather than as a success. Maybe it’s tied into the idea that women don’t (shouldn’t?) really want sex with men, and that they only do it in exchange for security or a relationship etc.
The images are interesting, too. The man’s sex toy is shaped, basically, like a vagina, with labia and everything. The woman’s sex toy looks like, well, a bullet. That is to say, obviously one can buy dildos that look like a realistic penis, but many sex toys for women don’t look like penises — and in fact, many are pink or sparkly or have flowers/butterflies/dolphins.
I don’t really have a point, but it intrigues me that so many male sex toys (not all, of course), look like body parts, but female sex toys are often more abstract.
@NL, interesting perspective. But then it’s interesting that the (heteronormative?) author who selected the two toys chose a “neutral’ shape for the vibrator but chose the one of four “openings” for the Fleshlight that’s gendered. (The the other three are a sort-of mouth, a sort-of anus, and a neutral sort-of coin-slot shape. This is purely anecdotal but one shop clerk I spoke with a year or so ago said the neutral model was most often asked for.) Anyway, since there are multiple choices for both sexes I’m disappointed that the author didn’t choose examples with more correspondence — either both more anatomical or both more neutral.
Gwen, about your question about the differences in reception, I think vibrators are seen as challenging stereotypes that women don’t (or perhaps “shouldn’t”) have autonomous sexual agency. Devices for men are seen as reinforcing rather than challenging stereotypes of men as incapable of sexual restraint and so they’re not as welcome.
Cool post.
figleaf
I agree with the theme Cara brought up — seems to me the cultural expectation is that male masturbation is done manually and female masturbation is done with toys, and that has a lot to do with how we construct gendered roles for sexual enjoyment. Male as an active self-pleasurer, female as the passive receiver (even where she is directing the action, there’s a distancing from the use of a tool.)
SarahMC and Michael–I meant to be getting at your points (I said “for many people” female masturbation is seen as positive/empowering, and didn’t meant to imply this is a universal or even majority opinion) but I kind of got side-tracked and didn’t do as good a job as I should have of stressing that it’s one attitude toward female masturbation (and I occasionally get the sense that some individuals advocating this view aren’t always as positive about female masturbation as they wish they were).
My statement wasn’t meant to say that women actually are allowed or encouraged to like sex for their own sake, but that shows like, say, Sex and the City often imply that women who are willing to masturbate are fully empowered–never mind that they have to be thin and wear high heels to be considered sexy, they can masturbate/use a vibrator/insist on orgasming first! They’re liberated!
So I was actually saying quite the same thing, I think, but didn’t make it clear that I was referring to assumptions about “liberated” female sexuality, as opposed to the actual situations women face.
Michael and Gwen, thanks. I get what you’re saying, Gwen, and I agree to a point. But like I said, there’s a good reason why female masturbation is celebrated as “liberating” among certain circles. I think the other commenters made really good points, as well!
SarahMC–
I think you have a great point–and that in many cases, female masturbation is part of a more open, empowered sexuality. I just think there is a certain cultural message in which women who masturbate are seen as empowered simply because they’re doing WHAT MEN USUALLY DO, as opposed to recognizing that it’s empowering b/c it’s women feeling comfortable with their bodies, learning to feel they have the right to sexual pleasure, and to see forms of sexual behavior other than vaginal-penile intercourse as meaningful and pleasurable.
@timeismine: Good point about how social expectations of gendered passivity and activity could affect the reception of vibrators for women.
On the other hand there’s also the bit about how while hands work wonderfully (and equally) well for both men and women there aren’t many mechanical devices that work as well for men as vibrators seem to work for women.
And finally, while this is really drifting off topic Rachel Maine’s book “The Technology of Orgasm,” is nominally about the now-150-year-old invention of the vibrator (the first were allegedly steam powered!) it’s also an acerbic commentary on men’s attitudes about women’s sexuality since Antiquity. (As late as the 1850s physicians spent as much as two thirds of their time treating women for “hysteria,” massaging their vulvas to induce “hysterical paroxysms.” Maine’s introductory chapter is titled “The Job Nobody Wanted.” Doctors, seeking to relieve themselves of the tedium, invented vibrators to automate the task. It’s an awesome chronicle of ideology over reality.)
figleaf
…that was a job nobody wanted?? (I know the rest is crazy too, but that part kinda blew my mind. :p)
The iconic vibrator is often a phallic one like the one shown here–I think its glorification may to some extent play into the idealization of penetration as what “really satisfies” women. I have crammed way too many words ending in “-ation” in there, but I can’t figure out how to fix it.
But NL is right–it’s really weird that women can use, and even be featured in porn using, vibrators that strongly resemble or evoke a penis, with veins and everything, and this is considered “sexy” to some extent whereas men using something that anatomically mimics a vagina in exactly the same way are often considered sad or perverted. There may be some aspect of this having to do with how women using “toys” has been commodified and made into a genre of porn, similar to “lesbian” porn that functions only to manifest a male fantasy.
In both cases the performance and outward cues or pretension that the woman is “enjoying” it are the important thing, not the woman’s actual enjoyment. Women’s sexuality is “sexy” if men can find a way to package or summarize it and get off on it. Men’s sexuality is not usually used the same way, so the image of a man using the Fleshlight is not considered as “valuable” or relevant because it is not considered something that other men would typically want to see a video of, for example. I’m not explaining this very well, but it makes sense in my brain.
“but many sex toys for women don’t look like penises — and in fact, many are pink or sparkly or have flowers/butterflies/dolphins.”
Yeah I’ve always wondered “What the hell is with the pink dolphins?” on that one.
“Male as an active self-pleasurer, female as the passive receiver (even where she is directing the action, there’s a distancing from the use of a tool.)”
This is exactly how I interpret these gender differences. Women can’t really pleasure themselves… they lack the penis! So they need a manly shaped appliance to help them out. Men however should be able to take the matter ‘in hand’ as it were and shouldn’t need anything to help them out.
Ug, it drives me crazy.